Stuff I Read on Lululemon Shopping Bags Ranked by Awfulness

Even if you are not a consumer of Lululemon’s goods, you probably know what their shopping bags look like.  They’re everywhere- partially because reusing these bags for everyday non-yoga purposes has become trendy enough that people are actually selling them on Ebay.  If you’re blessed enough to have never locked eyes on one of these babies, they’re eco-friendly reusable bags with woven, synthetic fibers, a bright red background,

and a series of

commandments

with that annoying

inexplicably alternating

font size that serves no fucking purpose but to shake and scream  

at you to

pay attention to it’s very important

message.

 

That annoying text smugly telling you how to live your life is the company’s manifesto. For you see, Lululemon is not just selling you overpriced, sweat-shop made items that become transparent when you bend over, they’re selling you a lifestyle. These shopping bags have a purpose higher than carrying your yoga pants and sports bras, they’re also here to spread the message that your life is mediocre garbage.

The quotes arranged in this square of insight, range from irritating but…okay pieces of advice to deeply problematic ideologies. In recent years, they landed themselves in hot water for putting a quote from Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged in their manifesto. How do you become your greatest self? Be entirely self-interested of course! Oh, and bright colored sports bras. Somewhere yoga fits into this, too.

Here are a few nuggets that cause my eyes to twitch and become bloodshot with rage as I’m forced to look at them on my commute every morning.

 

 

10.lulu10

Subconscious computer, take the wheel!

9.lulu9

Why sports? I assure you, old people limber up for much more interesting reasons. Like salsa dancing.

8.

lulu8

I was wondering what to do since all of my skin evaporated from my body last Thursday. Skin is made of sweat! Who knew!

7.lulu7

What do you do when you have to downsize then? Unfriend them? Fire them? Labor camp in Siberia?


  1. lulu6

Please tell that to people who have hemophilia, they’re SUCH complainers. Get the fuck over it and drink a green smoothie, silly!


  1. lulu5
    Aside from this being false in nearly all eyes of the medical community, why is this part of your mission statement? How is this even related to making my life not mediocre? Then again, I am getting life advice from a shopping bag. Alright.

  1. lulu4 
    Well, they always say “Nature finds a way,” so I think I’m just gonna roll with it and be mediocre.

  1. lulu3
    Nobody makes a sandwich on my counter.  Not in my house, bitch.

  1. lulu2
    Why does this make me feel icky?

  1. lulu1
    Why would you say that.

 

 

 

But, like. It’s a bag. So maybe I should drink a green smoothie and chill the fuck out?

 

By Michaela Heidemann