You Can Pry the Bachelor Out of My Cold, Dead, Feminist Fingers

 

Hi, my name is Paige and I am not only a Bachelor addict, but a Bachelor pusher. Since getting hooked (big ups to my coworker, Alyssa) at the start of Bachelor 20, I have also brought my boyfriend and at least three of my close friends in on this mess. The Bachelor franchise is over the top, frivolous, and unrealistic, and I will not be made to feel guilty about enjoying it. I am a feminist who loves the Bachelor. A femchelor. A bachinist?

Listen, nobody is gonna make me feel shitty for caring about both the Bachelor and equal rights. I do not care to read your think piece about how women competing for male attention is degrading. Hillary Clinton her goddamn self could fly into my living room Monday night in a giant, winged menstrual cup commanding me to cease and desist, and I would not. Also, she would not, obviously. Cause Hillary gets it. Feminists aren’t barred from enjoying the Bachelor- they are the only ones who truly understand it.

 

  1. It Provides Juicy Gossip; My Real Life Doesn’t

Look, I have a lot going on. I have a job, parents who call every day, a feminist blog to edit and write for, and a boyfriend who takes up way too much of my time being so goddamn cute. My friends too! They’re busy going to school and writing books and running businesses. I honestly can’t remember the last time one of us went to Jamaica with her boyfriend and his two other girlfriends. I’ve never made out with a dude in a helicopter the day after he made out with a different girl in a different helicopter. ladies cooking classAnd I haven’t argued with a girl about a dude we both were tryin’ to get with since high school- and that is partially because its against my principles, but mostly out of laziness. Whatever. You can have him. I have Netflix to watch.  I don’t have these equal parts high stakes and frivolous dramas in my life because I don’t care enough to create them. That being said, they are so goddamn fun. It is fun to form opinions about people’s relationships, especially when you know literally nothing about anything. It is, and if you try to tell me its not- you’re a fucking liar. Which reminds me…

 

  1. I Know I’m Not Better than Anyone

I have never gone on a reality TV dating show. Why? Because I am a coward. I would honestly love the attention, time off work, and social media following that comes from being on this show, but I would HATE to be emotionally vulnerable in front of anyone- especially the millions of dummies (myself included) that tune into the Bachelor every week. The women who compete on that show are much braver than me. It’s hard for me to be that open with my boyfriend (who I know for a fact is obsessed with me) and they open their hearts to a man they know will likely break it. If Chris Harrison shoved a mic in my face immediately after I got dumped, I would probably try to shove it through one of his beady little eyes. The fact that these women can have their hearts broken and then immediately open up about their feelings is so impressive to me.

 

  1. Everyone is Beautiful

The contestants do their own hair and make-up!! They provide their own wardrobe!!! But the producers put Ben in so many grey shirts this season?? Idk.

 

  1. Well, That Looks Familiar

Honestly, other than the fact that everyone on the show is a 10 and I am an eight on my best day – which, for the curious, is two days after I get my eyebrows done – I see parts of myself on this show. The parts I keep under lock and key, of course. But that brings me back to points one & two. I have, so many times in my life, wanted to really drunkenly let someone have it but kept my mouth shut because I adhere to a societal contract and also don’t have ABC producers edging me along and feeding me wine. I get so much satisfaction out of seeing someone else do that. I often bite my lip when I feel like crying, because I know I’m being silly. Seeing someone lose it over a missed one-on-one date is euphoric. The show exists in a weird parallel universe where everything matters too much and nothing matters at all. People follow their guts and emotions are dialed up to ten. It may be a cartoon, but its one I’ve seen before.

ME. (Courtesy of ABC)

ME.

 

Also me.

Also me.

 

The most me.

The most me.

 

  1. True Love.

BEN AND LAUREN 4EVER

hometown lauren
You are, as a feminist and a human being, allowed to like dumb shit along with the important shit. No one is trying to say The Bachelor isn’t dumb shit. That shit is dumb. But anyone who tries to judge you by the dumbest shit you like isn’t giving you enough credit. We all have volumes within us.

The Bachelorette will return to ABC May 23rd. Check in here for weekly recaps/drinking games with my series, Booze & The Bachelor! Meanwhile, you can recap Bachelor 20 here.

 

By Paige Wharton

Artwork by Michaela Heidemann. All other images courtesy of ABC