Lady Tats Bonus: Interview with a 3,000 Year Old Mummy

Image via The Siberian Times

By Michaela Heidemann

In 1991, the tomb of a Siberian noblewoman was discovered. Her body, perfectly mummified, was found inside with her tattoos still on display. I only found about this recently. I’m honestly ashamed that there were two very famous well-preserved corpses that I didn’t know about until this year. Anyway, I consulted my bedside Necronomicon and summoned this ancient tattoo celebrity to see if I could get any additional insight on the tattooed woman.

 

 


 

My Transcribed interview with the Siberian Ice Princess:

Thank you so much for coming in to talk with me today!  How are you liking Chicago?

Well first of all, the pleasure’s all mine Michaela. Always happy to be dragged from the serenity of a black nothingness for a meaningful conversation with a friend. Chicago is okay.

Oh-

I’m not sure why I was summoned to a place with a similar climate to the one that was so cold it preserved my body for thousands of years when we could’ve met in, say, San Diego but anyway, it’s great, great.

Well, unfortunately we don’t quite have the budget for that yet here at YNBF, but Chicago is very happy to have you!

Mhmm.

So, you’re known worldwide as the Siberian Ice Princess, but can you tell us your real name and title?

Yes, it’s [Sound of inaudible whispering, windows shaking, windchimes, and arctic winds]

Uh, I’m sorry?

[Sound of inaudible whispering, glass breaking, the braying of reindeer intermixed with arctic wind in the distance]

Ah, well, uh… So do you mind telling us the significance of these tattoos?

My culture believed that these tattoos were a form of identification for each family in the afterlife.

Essentially what you’re saying is that you believed souls are indistinguishable from one another so somehow the tattoos come with you and you use those to identify your family members.

Correct.

Did it work?

No.

[Laughs] Oh, you weren’t joking I was trying to make a…joke.  I’m sorry.  Moving on…There was another exceptionally preserved body near your tomb with similar markings. What was your relationship to him?

He was a warrior who was to help guide and protect me in the afterlife.

Did he die young as well…or did he- or they rather…

Yes?

Was he sacrificed as part of the burial ritual?

Is there any substantive evidence to support the question you just asked?

Well, it’s purely speculative at this-

Then “no comment”.

Was he cute?

What a stupid question. They chose the ugliest warrior they could find so that we wouldn’t fall in love in our perilous journey into the underworld.

Did you?

[Laughs] Oh, no, no. no, NO. No. We’re just good friends.

I’m sure he thinks that too.  Many people have remarked at the resemblance your tattoos have to modern ink.  Why do you think that tattoos have become so popular again, 3,500 years after your death, specifically amongst women?

Oh I don’t know, probably because the corporeal form is fleeting and you’re going to die anyway so why not draw all over it like toddlers with an empty wall and a crayon. What does it matter anyway? You know, maybe people today are tattooing themselves in the delusion that they’re doing something permanent, when really the ink on paper will outlast the ink on their bodies. Maybe it’s just an attempt to feel like you have control over yourself, even though you can’t control your inevitable fate. Maybe you got that triangle with a flower on it because you feel young and invincible and that you’ll never, ever be older than you are right now. Maybe you got that tattoo, Michaela, because you’re afraid of dying. You think that tattoo is a symbol of your autonomy and vitality, when in reality it doesn’t matter because NOTHING MATTERS.

Oh…

[Pause. Sound of Arctic winds and reindeer braying in the distance]
I’m just fucking with you. Tattoos are dope. But how should I know? I’m a 3,000 year old mummy.  

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and doesn’t actually reflect the thoughts or opinions of the Siberian Ice Princess. This article was meant for entertainment only, because we can’t actually summon the dead! Right, Michaela? Right? … Michaela?